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| I've been having strange dreams again... | | |
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There are parts in my life that I so deeply long for. The moments in which time would seem to fade and release me to the solitude of the darkest corners of my mind... that little world of mine. Those were the moments I felt most connected with myself, if that makes any sense at all. It is only now that I have stopped and thought about it that I realize how different of a person I now am. The sad part is, I don't really know if I am happy with this change. I mean, everything in my life right now is everything I had ever wanted and yet... I had to give myself up for it.
I don't know who I am.
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Unrelenting sexual fascinations. It's not so much a physical addiction, but a psychological need for having my fantasies actualized. A wonderful cursed thing. As a child, I struggled with so many sexual fantasies that were too shamefully profane for me to accept or even admit. Being raised in a household so adamant in the pursuit of holy righteousness, I felt isolated, perverse. Abnormal, even. Continuous disappointment from fruitless efforts to self-cleanse had me frustrated, causing me to doubt that the thoughts would ever leave me. Trying to repress the fantasies only intensified the fascinations, and often brought about the creation of even sicker fetishes. I felt it was almost cruel, the fact that things I found disgusting or frightening were things I felt drawn to. As if the horridness itself was what got me off.... It slowly wears away at the mind and body to be in constant turmoil with your self. And the more you try to fight who you reallly are, the more you'll come out with less. Pretend, believe, lie... You will become nothing. Regardless of what high values you may try to uphold or how great a person you wish to be, it will see to your soul's end to deny your filthy, rotten core. I'm not happy with humans right now. I will finish this post at a later time... | | |
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Now turn around and shut the fuck up. You're MY bitch now.
Yay! It's great to play my way! Yeah, that's right... you better fucking like it.
:D
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Relationships and I don't seem to go well together. Or rather, the type of people I tend to get into relationships with are just far from the right type for me. Maybe the fact that I'm not picky makes things extremely complicated, because I end up having to deal with so much more bullshit than necessary. Well, not that any bullshit is necessary in the first place, but you know what I mean (hopefully, you do). I really don't have some extravagant mental picture of my ideal partner, so in a way I lack a kind of standard of measurement. All I really look for is a personality that fits very well, if not perfectly, with mine. But even at that, it seems too much to ask for at times. What more, I suck at verbal communication. Give me a pen and a piece of paper (or a blank screen and a keyboard) and I'm able to write any and every thing I need to say, in exactly the way I want it to be understood. But make me talk, and I'll fuck it up right then and there. My speech gets in the way of the point I want to get across, and I just want to stop talking. I stutter, search for words, drool (not really), organize thoughts and construct my sentences while I speak (sometimes, after). It's unbelievable how much I sympathize for those who have to listen to me. I find myself wondering how it really is for them. It must be like watching a train wreck.
I don't know. Maybe someone who can read my mind would be best for me. Yeah. That would make things so much easier. Whatever. Get real, Eileen. Ugh... I do need to get real. I'm analyzing and overanalyzing this whole situation up the ass and blowing this way out of proportion. It's not that complicated. Or is it?
We just need to calm down with the "non-verbal communication" ;) and work out our issues. Shit, then maybe we might actually get somewhere! hahaha Well, if it works out, great. If not, then so be it. We've played a while and so the appearances have all faded, now it's plain to see that it is what it had always been. There's no use in pretending anymore, don't you think? I don't know and it doesn't even matter if you can say the same about me, but I honestly care about you. I just hope you understand that I just don't feel like playing anymore.
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